This is depression.

I'm feeling a lot more drained and unmotivated than I was before, and as a result, more grumpy and more angry. Misty says its the weather, or my lack of vitamin D. I suppose so. It's been overcast a lot lately. The sky is blue today, and the sun is shining. Though it's not making me feel any better.

The office emailed me today and said that I'd been rejected for the summer undergraduate NSERC award. Dan said that he'd pay me out of his own pocket, which is unbelievably kind of him, and yet I still feel deeply guilty and grieved over having to rely on him -- the way you kind of feel sorry for yourself when people decide to pay for your lunch when you go out with them. It makes me realize more just how much Anna's friend was a prick for harping on him when we were at her house celebrating Chinese New Year.

That same night, Anna made a jab at me over having to leave home early to be with mom, the same way that Amy and Jordan used to do. And fuck me, it hurt...and it didn't make sense to me. She knows my dad died, and she knew just how much it broke up mom. I wonder if she would have said the same thing if it were her father that died in his sleep in his bedroom. Not that I'd ever want that, naturally.

And of course, I feel like I'm bashing my head against a brick wall with my 498. I see the islands and the brackets, and the nodes, but my mind can't piece them together in my head. All I see is a jumble of lines and letters. So much for getting anything done today.

I've gathered up a list of names of people I'd like to get in touch with at LiveJournal: I looked at it and just said "Fuck It" and decided to finally do what I'd been putting off for so long.

It's going to be sort of cathartic, seeing my username crossed out on all of those people's pages.