Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

I read an article on the Focus on the Family uproar over Spongebob Squarepants in today's Metro, written by Rick McGinnis. Wow. I thought I'd post the article here in its entirety, if only because I found it very witty and insightful:

“Does anybody here know SpongeBob?” asked Dr. James C. Dobson, the founder of conservative lobby group Focus on the Family. Dobson was speaking at a Tuesday night black-tie dinner for members of Congress and political allies to celebrate U.S. election results, according to a story in yesterday’s New York Times. One would assume that, if they had kids, many would probably say “yes” though not, perhaps, in the biblical sense. According to the Times, SpongeBob is not only a hit among kids, but with “adult gay men, perhaps because he holds hands with his animated sidekick Patrick and likes to watch the imaginary television show The Adventures of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy.” (You don’t say? Next thing you’ll be telling me rude things about Bert and Ernie, or Batman and Robin.)

And that might be part of the reason why Dobson and other religious conservatives are targeting the animated show and its unmistakably fey star as part of a “pro-homosexual” agenda. The main reason, however, is the appearance of SpongeBob in a children’s video made by former Chic front man Nile Rodgers’ We Are Family Foundation.

Rodgers, who wrote the disco hit that gave the foundation its name, set up the organization after 9/11 to teach children about multiculturalism, and the main project so far has been a video featuring appearances by a galaxy of children’s TV characters, from shows like Arthur, Barney, Bear in the Big Blue House, Blue’s Clues, Bob the Builder, The Book of Pooh, Clifford the Big Red Dog, Dora the Explorer, Jimmy Neutron, Kim Possible, Madeline, The Magic School Bus, The Muppet Show, Rugrats, Sesame Street, SpongeBob SquarePants and Zoom, among others.

Dobson and his group insist that the video is a recruiting tool, based on a “tolerance pledge” that Rodgers’ foundation borrowed from the Southern Poverty Law Center, and which appears only on their website. “We see the video as an insidious means by which the organization is manipulating and potentially brainwashing kids,” said Paul Batura, assistant to Mr. Dobson at Focus on the Family.

Now, it’s one thing to make allegations about SpongeBob’s invertebrate sexuality, but isn’t it a bit much to implicate beloved children’s shows like Barney, Rugrats, Sesame Street and The Muppet Show in some kind of gay conspiracy? (Of course, everyone’s been wondering about Barney for years, and doesn’t Bob the Builder go overboard on the whole butch thing? Just kidding.)

The author of this column, for the record, is a card-carrying Tory, and a religious Roman Catholic at that — ergo, a “religious conservative.” But it’s winceworthy to watch prominent religious conservatives like Dobson make such pitiful statements to the media, so apparently ignorant of concepts like “optics.” In the context of SpongeBob, Dobson makes religious conservatives look like the sort of low-ranking classroom bullies who lash out at the clueless, dateless wonders with which they share the low reaches of the social totem pole by calling them “queer.”

And for the record, sea sponges are hermaphrodites who practise asexual reproduction, so SpongeBob can’t help looking a bit light in the loafers. Lay off already, man.

I couldn't help but be amused by both McGinnis' disclaimer and his observation on sponge biology. Something's definitely wrong with groups like FoF if they start putting off other religious conservatives.

But really, it shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone that this sort of thing has happened, given the meteoric rise to fame and utter ubiquity enjoyed by Spongebob Squarepants. While I was at the Dufferin Mall No Frills with my mom, I noticed the massive piece of Spongebob paraphernalia held by a child as his parents were checking in their groceries. It's everywhere. It's as if these guys are targeting anything left, right, and centre that's part of pop culture but isn't Christian. I'm sure that the only reason why these guys haven't targeted the iPod is because you actually can put all sorts of Biblically-related goodies on it.

I wish that I could just as easily disregard and scoff at such wanton and callous accusations of "brainwashing" with the nonchalance that I could give to someone like Fred Phelps and Westboro Baptist Church. Sadly, it's just not possible.