. . .

I loathe the idea of going back to school. I just think of the idea of being back in class and a wave of disgust just washes over me. I feel angry, bitter, sad, scared, all at the same time. My classes feel very cold; there's no sense of familiarity that I get. No sensation that people are there who are going to be happy to see me, no one who'd miss me when I'd be gone, no one to ask me, "Hey, where were you last class?". I took that for granted back when I had that. God how I miss it. I miss how Jeenat, Isadora and Sayma would smile when they'd see me. I wouldn't worry about being late for class; they'd have a seat saved up for me. And vice versa, of course.



It's a simple fact that there's something along the lines of a 3:1 ratio of women to men in Arts and Science at U of T. So, the majority of the people in my classes are, well, female. And I can't talk to a single one of them. And it's certainly not for lack of trying. I mean, what else are you supposed to do when you're trying to make conversation of some sort and they simply aren't interested in talking to you? What do you do? Or if you're talking to someone and all of a sudden she just completely blows you off for someone else who just came in?

I mean, God, it's not too much to ask, is it? Look, I'm not expecting to ask anyone out on a date. I'm not expecting life-long friendship. I'm not even expecting anything beyond the school year. Just some sort of chance to show that I'm not a bad person to socialize with.

I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow. Numb myself with lots of cups of hot chocolate, or tea or coffee or something. Anything to dull the pain of this loneliness I'm carrying.